Why a fool (I don't mean all of em of course..) never admits to their wrongs done to another? (All sin is against God -- it hurts Him too). Let's talk about the root causes of this.
1) Pride as their identity (not just a behavior)
They don’t just act proud—being right is who they are; admitting wrong feels like death (Prov. 16:18).
2) Love of self over truth (the Bible teaches that we already love ourselves, I need to love others as ourselves. Some love self too much!)
They value self-protection more than reality (2 Tim. 3:2).
3) Fear of exposure, embarrassment, and shame
“If I admit one wrong, everything collapses” (John 3:19–20).
4) Hardened heart through repeated sin (that often happens in churches too.)
Every ignored conviction dulls the next one (Heb. 3:13).
5) Seared conscience
They no longer feel moral pain—like burned nerve endings (1 Tim. 4:2).
6) Self-deception (spiritual blindness)
They genuinely think they’re right (Jer. 17:9; Prov. 12:15).
7) Lack of the Holy Spirit’s biblical conviction inside
Without God’s Spirit, sin doesn’t register rightly (1 Cor. 2:14).
8) Habitual manipulation
Apologies, this becomes their tools (“I’m so sorry” = leverage, not repentance).
9) Bitterness and offense stored up (even if real wrongs were never committed against you)
They justify themselves by rehearsing others’ faults (Heb. 12:15).
10) Influence of like-minded sinners (from carnal, religous or other worldly Christians or from lost people).
Pride multiplies in agreement (1 Cor. 15:33).
What are they actually like?
- Not mentally incapable—this is moral, not intellectual.
- Spiritually blind (2 Cor. 4:4)
- Hard-hearted (Eph. 4:18–19)
- Dead in sin (Eph. 2:1)
- Foolish in God’s definition (Prov. 28:26)
A “seared conscience” doesn’t mean no conscience—it means ignored so long it barely responds.
Biblical consequences
- Broken relationships (Prov. 13:10)
- No forgiveness from God if unrepentant (Luke 13:3)
- Increasing hardness (Rom. 2:5)
- Divine resistance (James 4:6)
- Eventual judgment and hell (Rev. 21:8)
“Whoever conceals his sins will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.” — Proverbs 28:13
Why this is very serious
Pride doesn’t just damage real love—it completely blocks salvation itself, because the gospel calls for honest confession to God in the name of Jesus with true repentance and saving faith (Rom. 10:9–10).
How someone like this can change. It's possible, and God is the one who can help change from the inside out.
This is the miracle: they cannot fix themselves—but God must break through.
Steps that God uses in this:
-
Truth confrontation
Nathan to David (2 Sam. 12:7) — clear, direct exposure. -
Consequences allowed
God lets life press hard (Luke 15:17). -
Conviction by the Holy Spirit
John 16:8 — this is the turning point. -
Humbling (often painful)
God resists until surrender (James 4:6–10). -
True repentance
Not words, but brokenness (2 Cor. 7:10). -
Faith in Christ alone
Forgiveness + new life (Acts 3:19). -
Regeneration (new heart)
Ezekiel 36:26 — this is the real change.
What God can do -- miracles. They're not called regulars cuz we don't see them as often as many religous people say we do.
He takes a man or woman who:
- never admits wrong
- never feels any real conviction
- never changes for the good
…and gives him or her free forgiveness:
- a soft heart (reverence, the holy fear of God inside, a hatred for sin and the hurt and destruction it brings)
- a clear conscience
- a love for truth
- a hatred of sin
- a desire to make things right
That’s zoe life—life from God, not self-improvement. You and I want abundant and eternal life in a realationship Christ.. right?
How Jesus dealt with these people
- Exposed them directly (“Woe to you… hypocrites” – Matt. 23)
- Used piercing questions (Luke 10:26)
- Refused to argue endlessly (Matt. 12:39)
- Spoke truth without fear (John 8:44)
- Still offered grace to the humble (Luke 18:13–14)
He did not soften truth—but He welcomed broken sinners.
Wise men who basically handled this real well
- Nathan → David (direct but wise confrontation)
- Paul → rebuke with tears (Acts 20:31)
- Spurgeon: “Pride is the worst viper that is in the heart.”
Clear-eyed truth
- Know anyone who shows manipulative remorse (not repentance, always saying sorry but never changes. They can't change themselves all alone)
- Know anyone who shows know it all hardened pride from inside (that's so dangerous. It's a spiritual condition)
You can change in Jesus, you can cooperate with the Spirit. You.. all alone, cannot change yourself—only God can break them.
But you can:
- refuse to reward sin
- speak truth plainly
- pray persistently
- remain consistent in love without enabling
One could be awakened spiritually. Wrote a poem:
People tell me they "take 12 AA steps, and those are enough for life." Are they really?
Let's talk about one's spiritual condition.
And the dividing line is simple:
- The humble believing are saved--they'll go to heaven because of the finished work of a living Lord.
- The proud are resisting--they'll go to hell (they basically send themselves there).
Do they think they've taken the smartest steps?
Step 8
“Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.”
Step 9
“Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”
What are those.. in plain terms:
-
Step 8 = internal work
- Honest inventory
- Naming specific people and specific wrongs
- Becoming willing (this is huge)
-
Step 9 = external action
- Actually going to the person
- Owning the wrong
- Making it right as much as possible
Many a so-called program's steps like these don’t specifically address sin as the main problem of man (Romans 6:23). We all need to understand that addictions are not a disease. Sin is like a spiritual disease. ie, Alcoholism is said to be a disease (which let's the drunk off the hook for responsibility). Addiction is a symptom of a spiritual disease. Our hearts are wicked and need God's miracle -- we each need to be forgiven and they need to be regenerated. If you take away alcohol but don’t renew the heart, you still have a person who desires sin more than Christ. So, I have no problem admitting we are powerless, but the language really needs be about sin, not merely alcohol or something else.
Real Christians don’t believe merely in some “higher power” (Step 2). There are some people in positions of higher power -- they are higher powers, much more powerful than I ie, the President.
We believe in the LORD, the God of the Bible who is three in One—Father, Son and Holy Spirit. He has a name. We believe in the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ—our Creator and Redeemer and Lord. We are not permitted to believe in a god of our own understanding. We don’t get to make God up in our minds at all.
Consider the goal of the 12 Steps—a spiritual awakening (step 12). The goal of every recovery program is to gain and maintain sobriety and then help others do the same. But that isn’t the goal of Christianity.
"And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment:" Hebrews 9:27
"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." John 3:16
Can Christians rightly work the 12 steps as they are originally written? Well, think about some. They can’t reduce an addiction problem to a mere physical sickness or disease, nor all those problems that their addiction has caused. Everyone needs forgiveness in Jesus Christ.
Man's problem is sin, plain and simple. We will face God at a Judgement Seat. We choose. We can have all our sin issues so to speak, addressed on Calvary's Cross (with Jesus, that happened in the past. Many people in OT times pointed ahead in time to Christ and His Cross and were saved). Or we can opt to have our sin-issues so to speak, addressed by another judgment of sins in the future at the Great White Throne Judgement and subsequently, the wrath of almighty God. And we can’t believe in whatever god we want. There is One true and living God. It is He that we must believe in and serve. And our ultimate goal isn’t to help people stay sober by carrying the message of sobriety. Our goal is to share the gospel and make disciples of all nations. And the benefits are far more than sobriety—we get eternal life.
See if you can find that word “amends” in the Bible. Not there (the English words Bible and Rapture are also not in the Book), but the Bible teaches something even deeper in this regard and much better:
1) Honest Confession (vertical to God, and horizontal manwards)
“Confess your sins…” (James 5:16)
2) Honest Repentance (a change of heart and of direction. Am talkin' about the best course correction here)
“Bear fruits worthy of repentance.” (Luke 3:8)
3) Restitution (restore what was damaged by me). This is where it gets very concrete.
Look at Zacchaeus:
“If I have defrauded anyone… I restore it fourfold.” (Luke 19:8)
Sayin' words is the easy part. Those were not just words, because he went and put feet to his new found faith—that’s measurable repair to damage that was caused by the guilty sinner. So many think guilt is bad. It's bad when a human doesn't rely upon the Spirit when verbally witnessing (faith comes from hearing and hearing by the word of Christ), and the religious person or Christian trys to do the job of the Holy Spirit to bring inner conviction to a sinner. Real guilt and conviction from the Spirit are GOOD. Do you have lights on your car dashboard warning you? My car needs enough oil in it. Are there sounds produced as well?
What does the Bible say about guilt?
Why is it not possible for the blood of bulls and goats to take away sin.
Talk about a Christian and guilt regarding past sins?
Tell me more.. what does the Bible say about false guilt? How can I avoid false guilt?
Adam and Eve were innocent (for a time in the garden), having no sin or guilt, and thus had no shame.
What is false guilt, and how can I avoid it?
How can a Christian overcome the guilt of past sins?
What does the Bible say about forgiving yourself?
What is bloodguilt (Joel 3:21)?
What are some Bible verses about guilt?
What does the Bible say about shame and regret?
What are the differences between guilt and the innocence cultures?
What's the Father's one-step plan regarding His one way program? Choosing to believe in Jesus as Savior while repenting (turning away from sin) -- that's sufficient for spiritual liberation. Wisely applying the Bible is often contrasted with complex, 12-step strategies.
The Dif (Difference): “Amends” vs “Restitution”
Amends
- Broader, relational
- Includes apology + acknowledgment + change
- Focus: healing the relationship
Example:
“I was wrong to speak harshly to you. There’s no excuse. I’m asking your forgiveness.”
Restitution
- Specific, tangible repayment
- Focus: repairing the damage done
Need Examples?:
- Returning money
- Replacing what was broken
- Correcting lies told about someone
Simple way to see it:
- Amends = owning the wrong
- Restitution = repairing the consequences
Biblically, true repentance usually includes both when possible.
The deeper biblical standard (this is powerful)
Jesus raises it even higher:
“First be reconciled to your brother…” (Matthew 5:23–24)
Notice:
- Don’t just feel bad
- Don’t just say sorry
- Go. Initiate. Make it right.
What real, godly “amends” looks like
Not:
- “I’m sorry if you felt hurt”
- “I’m sorry, but…”
But:
- Specific (“I lied to you…”)
- Personal (“I was wrong…”)
- Unconditional (no lame excuses. Aren't they all lame?)
- Transformational (real change inside and out follows)
When NOT to make direct amends
AA actually aligns with wisdom here:
“…except when to do so would injure them or others.”
Biblically:
- Don’t reopen wounds unnecessarily
- Don’t confess in a way that harms someone else
- Seek wise counsel if unsure (Prov. 11:14)
Why this step feels impossible to some people. What it requires:
- Humility
- Truth over image
- Surrender of pride
Which is why many never do it.
The spiritual reality
A person who refuses this step is not just avoiding people—they’re resisting God.
“God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” (James 4:6)
Perhaps I can give a smigen of clarity?
- Amends heals the relationship
- Restitution repairs the damage
- Repentance changes the heart
- Christ forgives and transforms the person
And when all four come together—that’s when you see a life truly changed from the inside out.
What the Bible truly teaches about apologizing
Apologizing is not merely a social courtesy—it is a spiritual act of humility before God.
Most people resist it because it requires something deeper than words: it requires the death of pride. Scripture makes this clear:
“Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up.” (James 4:10)
A true apology humbles us because it forces us to face reality—we are not right, not perfect, and in need of both God’s mercy and man’s forgiveness.
Why most apologies fall short
Many apologies are shallow, forced, or self-protective:
- “I’m sorry… but…”
- “I’m sorry if you felt hurt”
- “I already said I’m sorry”
These are not biblical apologies—they are image management, not repentance.
Even children can be taught to say words without meaning them. Sadly, many adults never grow beyond that.
The biblical pattern of a true apology
A real, God-honoring apology includes four essential elements:
1) Clear admission of wrong (no excuses)
“I was wrong to ______.”
“He who covers his sins will not prosper…” (Proverbs 28:13)
2) Ownership of the impact
“I know I hurt you.”
This reflects love—recognizing the damage done.
3) Humble request for forgiveness
“Will you please forgive me?”
Not demanded. Not assumed. Asked.
4) Willingness to make it right (restitution)
“How can I make this right?”
This is where many stop short—but Scripture does not.
A powerful biblical contrast
Consider Saul vs. David:
- Saul said, “I have sinned”—but blamed others and preserved his image (1 Samuel 15:24–26)
- David said, “I have sinned against the Lord”—and was broken (Psalm 51)
God rejected Saul—but forgave David.
The difference was not words—it was the heart.
God’s full process for making things right
With God:
- Confession
- Repentance
- Faith in Christ
“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive…” (1 John 1:9)
With people:
- Apology (own the wrong)
- Forgiveness (requested, not demanded)
- Restitution (repair what was damaged)
Look again at Zacchaeus:
“I restore it fourfold.” (Luke 19:8)
That is not talk—that is transformed life.
How serious this really is
Jesus made reconciliation urgent:
“First be reconciled to your brother…” (Matthew 5:23–24)
This means:
- Don’t delay
- Don’t minimize
- Don’t ignore
Right relationships matter deeply to God.
The responsibility on both sides
When you are wrong:
- Be humble enough to admit it
When someone apologizes:
- Be gracious enough to forgive
“Forgive as the Lord forgave you…” (Colossians 3:13)
What apologizing produces in us
- Humility instead of pride
- Softness instead of hardness
- Truth instead of self-deception
- Christlikeness instead of self-centeredness
“Be kind to one another… forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)
Final clarity
Apologizing is not weakness—it is evidence of spiritual life.
- The proud resist it
- The hardened avoid it
- The regenerate embrace it
And peacemakers—true children of God—practice both:
“Blessed are the peacemakers…” (Matthew 5:9)
They are quick to say:
- “I was wrong.”
- “Please forgive me.”
- “How can I make this right?”
Because they themselves have been forgiven much.
If you want, I can help you contrast a false apology vs. a true biblical one in a way that could speak directly and wisely into your sons’ situation.
That’s a sober, largely accurate observation—most people don’t change, not because they can’t, but because they won’t humble themselves.
But Scripture holds both truths in tension:
Human reality:
“Can the Ethiopian change his skin…? Then may you also do good who are accustomed to doing evil.” (Jer. 13:23)
Divine possibility:
“With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” (Matt. 19:26)
So your posture is wise as long as it stays balanced:
- Don’t put your hope in people changing → that prevents disappointment and manipulation
- But don’t lose hope in God changing people → that keeps your heart from hardening
The healthy, biblical stance
- Expect little from man
- Expect everything from God
- Guard your heart from bitterness
- Keep your hands open in prayer
“Be not overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” (Rom. 12:21)
What this looks like practically (especially with your sons)
- You can love them without enabling them
- You can tell the truth without arguing endlessly
- You can set boundaries without closing your heart
- You can release outcomes to God
Even Jesus Christ did not entrust Himself to people who would not receive truth (John 2:24–25), yet He still loved perfectly.
The danger to watch for
Sometimes disappointment quietly turns into:
- Cynicism
- Distance
- Subtle hardness
That’s the one thing to guard against.
“See to it… that no root of bitterness springs up…” (Heb. 12:15)
I won't hold my breath cuz I like to breathe and need to.
I will pray cuz I like God, and will wait on the Lord for what He wants to do, but I won't be waiting on people to change as some do. I don't live for people.
What I do instead:
- I release them to God
- I refuse to enable sin
- I remain ready to forgive
- I keep praying for real repentance
Because the same God who changed:
- Saul of Tarsus
- Zacchaeus
…can still break through the hardest heart.
And if He does—you’ll be ready, not hardened.
